If you grew up being taught how to set boundaries for yourself, and in your relationships and work, you are indeed lucky. Most people learn to set them after life has presented them with too many experiences that are less than ideal.

Because we are not taught how to set boundaries, how will you know if you need to learn or get better at it? The quick and easy answer is: If you feel there is too much drama in your life, you feel that relationships are one sided, and you feel you are the victim of situations and life itself feels out of balance, then learning this skill is important. We teach others how to treat us by what we allow and what we won’t tolerate. If you don’t set healthy boundaries, you are at the mercy of what others want and how they treat you. It is our nature to be helpful and not want to hurt the feelings of others, so we accommodate by going with the flow.  We want to be liked and will go out of our way to do that, even when it is at the expense of our own well-being.

In short, setting a boundary is setting a guideline, rules, or limits on what is acceptable for you and then reminding people when they pass those limits. A perfect story about this involves my 10-year-old granddaughter who was playing a board game with a friend. I thought the game was going well but all of a sudden, the friend tipped over the board, said angry words and stomped out of the room leaving my granddaughter in tears. What happened next is what I wish every person in the world could do. She calmly told her friend that she would not play a game with her again if that is how she acted. She told her that she had hurt feelings by what had happened and asked for an apology. After they talked about it the friend did apologize and they went on being friends and they both learned to be better friends.

Have you ever felt like a relationship is lopsided and you are the one always giving more? Do you feel people ask you to do something because you always say yes or you’re always willing to put your wants and needs second?

Boundaries help us take care of ourselves by giving us permission to say NO to things, so that we don’t take everything on. Boundaries draw a clear line around what is ok for us and what is not. When we feel out of balance, taken advantage of, or intruded upon, those feelings can lead to hurt and anger. That is why setting boundaries is an important part of self-care as it safeguards our well-being.

People are often uncomfortable when you first begin to set boundaries. They may even push back a little because it may seem out of character for you. Setting boundaries isn’t always comfortable and people may push back if you say NO to some things or try communicating your needs more clearly. People may try to test your limits, to see how serious you are about drawing the line. Or they may be used to you responding in a certain way (agreeing to take on everything), and they may push back when you try to make some changes. That doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong. It may just mean that you need to be clear and consistent until people adjust to the new way of interacting.

When we can begin to set or enforce boundaries, it is saying yes to what we want and need.  It means sharing personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship, and respecting the right to say no and to express thoughts and feelings. When we can learn to do that we teach others what is acceptable and what is not. We are empowering ourselves to take care of ourself and by doing that we help others too.

Are you a person who likes routines and things in your life to stay the same? I know I am. There is comfort in knowing how life will flow and what the expectations are for daily living. Each morning I have a ritual I follow that begins with coffee, inspirational reading or journaling, doing the Wordle and then going to the pool. I have done this for many years and it serves me well. This routine helps me to set an intention for the day and make conscious decisions about how my day will unfold. But not every routine is helpful so what happens when our routines hold us back from trying new things or having different experiences?

Whenever we say no to something we could have said yes to, we miss out on an opportunity to experience something new. I often see that when we let fear or anxiety of the unknown take over our thinking it will stop us dead in our tracks. Our own comfort becomes a higher priority than the thrill of something new. I have noticed this especially as we get older. There seems to be righteousness and old ideas that we carry as the reasons we don’t want to try something new. It makes me cringe when I hear people say I’m too old for that, or it looks like too much work, or I would rather stay home. The two most confidence defeating words are “I can’t” rather than, “I can”.

We are often way too quick to say yes to the things that drain our spirits and leave us depleted all in the name of our own comfort and too quick to say no to the things that would bring us joy. It is these new experiences that put a spring in our step and joy to our hearts. Years ago, I had the opportunity to travel to Tanzania. It was expensive, more money than I had ever spent on myself. Noy only that, I had never been out of the U.S. much less a third world country, not to mention that I was afraid of all the unknowns. I had to look past all the excuses and ask myself HOW could I go? When we begin to ask how we can do something we must face what is holding us back and have an honest conversation about how we can change that if we want to experience something new.

Whether it is a big or small opportunity makes no difference because what we are learning is to look past obstacles and move into possibility. Every day we are faced with many situations that can bring new energy and joy into our day. A few years ago, a friend did a class focusing on how to bring fun and new experiences into our lives. We were to make a list of 50 things that we loved to do and were fun. Included on the list was everything from simple pleasures like brewing a special cup of tea and sitting down to enjoy it, visit a special place or experience something new.

Routines serve the purpose of grounding us and adding order to our life. But sometimes our days are too much the same and too orderly to invoke anything that puts a spark in us. Take inventory of your days and ask yourself these questions: How is today different than yesterday? What experience have I said no to when I could have said yes? How can you change your routine today to be more exciting?

What if you gave something new a try?  When you do, notice how you feel when you accomplish it and give yourself a pat on the back for pushing past anything that would have ordinality stopped you. Have fun with your new experiences and enjoy your extraordinary life!

” The ability to choose a new thought, create a new vision, or go after your dream lies within you. Every day brings new opportunities to create anew as long as you decide to put the drama of the past behind you. Take stock of your year and move forward in good faith that you can do anything you set your mind to.” Sandy Thibault

This seems to be a confusing idea that we can look backward and still be moving forward. All too often when we look back, we do it with blame and judgment against ourselves for things we could have or should have done differently. If we see the same patterns repeating, we might lose hope that we can make a change for the better. Recognize this as a cycle of negativity that keeps you stuck and unable to move forward. I think it is important to look back, but what if we embraced this reflection as a learning experience? We can learn from our past and build on our strengths. I call this building on your successes.

This last Sunday I was listening to the commentary after the football game. The commentary centered around the team being able to string together a series of positive plays, that resulted in a win. That not only works in football but also in life. We can make small positive steps consistently as we build skills and habits that push us toward what we want to achieve.

No matter what sport it is, they watch videos of previous games to understand what needs to be done differently. Doing this kind of inquiry for ourselves helps us to grow and learn about ourselves. It is not only helpful but important to look to our past and be able to let go of what we no longer need to carry, embrace our successes, and decide what steps we want to take as we move forward into this New Year.

The first thing to consider is gratitude. What good things happened this last year? What were your biggest learnings? What was your proudest moment? What possibilities came your way, and did you take advantage of them? When and where were you brave, kind, and/or courageous? What are you grateful for?

Your inquiry can continue with reflecting on things you would like to change. What ended or needs to end? What was your biggest regret or disappointment? What is out of balance? Where do you need to set boundaries? What do you need to forgive yourself for? What value or belief is no longer serving you?

The final part of the reflection involves putting the information you have learned into action. What are you committed to changing this year? What will pique my curiosity? What small steps will I take this year? Do I need to ask for help to move forward?

If you want to make something different in your life, you first need to be able to recognize the areas that cause friction and be willing to look at it and see it as a problem. Doing this kind of inquiry will help you begin to create a positive thought pattern that makes it easier to create a new vision for yourself. It’s your life and I know you have the ability to make it extraordinary.