If you grew up being taught how to set boundaries for yourself, and in your relationships and work, you are indeed lucky. Most people learn to set them after life has presented them with too many experiences that are less than ideal.
Because we are not taught how to set boundaries, how will you know if you need to learn or get better at it? The quick and easy answer is: If you feel there is too much drama in your life, you feel that relationships are one sided, and you feel you are the victim of situations and life itself feels out of balance, then learning this skill is important. We teach others how to treat us by what we allow and what we won’t tolerate. If you don’t set healthy boundaries, you are at the mercy of what others want and how they treat you. It is our nature to be helpful and not want to hurt the feelings of others, so we accommodate by going with the flow. We want to be liked and will go out of our way to do that, even when it is at the expense of our own well-being.
In short, setting a boundary is setting a guideline, rules, or limits on what is acceptable for you and then reminding people when they pass those limits. A perfect story about this involves my 10-year-old granddaughter who was playing a board game with a friend. I thought the game was going well but all of a sudden, the friend tipped over the board, said angry words and stomped out of the room leaving my granddaughter in tears. What happened next is what I wish every person in the world could do. She calmly told her friend that she would not play a game with her again if that is how she acted. She told her that she had hurt feelings by what had happened and asked for an apology. After they talked about it the friend did apologize and they went on being friends and they both learned to be better friends.
Have you ever felt like a relationship is lopsided and you are the one always giving more? Do you feel people ask you to do something because you always say yes or you’re always willing to put your wants and needs second?
Boundaries help us take care of ourselves by giving us permission to say NO to things, so that we don’t take everything on. Boundaries draw a clear line around what is ok for us and what is not. When we feel out of balance, taken advantage of, or intruded upon, those feelings can lead to hurt and anger. That is why setting boundaries is an important part of self-care as it safeguards our well-being.
People are often uncomfortable when you first begin to set boundaries. They may even push back a little because it may seem out of character for you. Setting boundaries isn’t always comfortable and people may push back if you say NO to some things or try communicating your needs more clearly. People may try to test your limits, to see how serious you are about drawing the line. Or they may be used to you responding in a certain way (agreeing to take on everything), and they may push back when you try to make some changes. That doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong. It may just mean that you need to be clear and consistent until people adjust to the new way of interacting.
When we can begin to set or enforce boundaries, it is saying yes to what we want and need. It means sharing personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship, and respecting the right to say no and to express thoughts and feelings. When we can learn to do that we teach others what is acceptable and what is not. We are empowering ourselves to take care of ourself and by doing that we help others too.